


Drowning

by Scripturiens



Series: Swimming Lessons [2]
Category: Free!, free eternal summer - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-09 19:59:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5553395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scripturiens/pseuds/Scripturiens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sousuke struggles with his injury, letting go of old dreams and finding new ones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> The first lines of dialogue in Part II (after the break), were actually taken straight from E8 of Eternal Summer: "The Locomotive of a Twist". In the series, it is Sousuke running into Ai doing laps at the pool late at night.

 

And it feels like I'm drowning, pulling against the stream.

_"Waves"_ , Mr. Probz

* * *

Standing at 6'1ft, Yamazaki Sousuke had never seemed  _small_  to Gou, but it was the only thing she could think of now, as he sat on the bench looking at her levelly. She stared back at him, crimson eyes wide as they gathered the purple mark on his right shoulder. As she drew closer he stiffened, eyes narrowing as if he expected her to say or do the wrong thing – as if he somehow expected her to  _hurt_  him.

"Sousuke-kun…"

Lips pursed, he shot her a glare. When he did speak, his voice was low and had a sharp quality to it that she was not used to hearing.

"Did Rin put you up to this?"

"He didn't mean to," she was quick to defend her brother. "I overheard him as he talked with Haru-senpai…"

With a movement more befitting of an old, broken man, Sousuke raised his head, looking up at the fluorescent lights of the Samezuka dressing room. He took a slow breath and turned to her with a smile that held absolutely no mirth. Palms wide open, his shoulders rose and fell in a motion so practised, it came like second-nature to him, and she could have cried.

"So the secret's out," he finally croaked. "I'm done for, and you all know it now."

Gou wanted to approach him, offer him a word or touch of comfort but she was floored by the look in his eyes. And again, she couldn't help but shift her gaze towards his torn shoulder and feel the cold, empathetic ache of an injury one does not know how to treat.

"You should have said something," she murmured, and it shocked her to hear the anger in her voice. Because she  _was_  angry, because Sousuke had stopped writing, and stopped calling and stopped dropping by and he had been dealing with this all this time by himself. If it hadn't been for Rin, she might never have known. It made her angry because all Gou wanted to do was reach out and touch him, fix him somehow.

"Rin was swimming in Australia," he said quietly, deadpan eyes set ahead of him. "We hadn't spoken in years."

"I was here," Gou murmured,  _"I was right here, Sousuke."_

Because Rin hadn't been the only one that left her, and she only just realised how deeply that had hurt.

He looked up at her, teal eyes like impossibly deep pools, and he had the very look of a man drowning.

"I didn't want him to see me like this," he breathed. "Not Rin . . . not  _you._ "

She hadn't known she had been moving until she stood before him, eyes turned to steel and fists balled on her sides. And it took everything not to drop to her knees and kiss him until his bruise was no longer purple, claw at him until she replaced his skin, and muscle and bone. There was nothing she wanted more than to melt into Sousuke, hold him in her arms until she was no longer shaking and he was no longer cold and they could both look into each other's eyes without hurting.

She did end up touching him, just once. Just enough to feel the warmth of his protesting flesh beneath scarred tissue, hard enough to make him wince and look at her as if she held his life on the edge of knife.

"I'm sorry," she moaned.  _"I'm so sorry, Sousuke."_

Gou placed her palm on his cheek, trembling with the effort not to break down into tears and closing her eyes when said effort became too much. But Sousuke only turned his face slightly, kissing her open palm like a vengeance, or a prayer; she did not know which.

-x-

All he could hear was the dull sound of water filling his ears. Magnified, it was sonorous, like taking huge gulps of water with one's ears plugged; it sorrounded and filled him like a shot of adrenaline straight into his veins. Sousuke pulled his face out of the water, took a deep breath of air, dove back in. He could feel the familiar smarting in his right shoulder but he continued, because he was so close, had come so far...

As expected, his shoulder gave in. Sousuke yelped as pain shot through, feeling as if his very muscles were tearing at the seams, the sound muffled under water. He finally emerged, coughing and shaking into one side of the pool, sputtering chlorine water as he tried to ease the pain in his lungs and his sinus. Frustrated, he threw his swimming goggles in a fury, smacking his fist into the poolside floor.

"Your fatigue is ruining your form."

He tensed, looked up to find her kneeling a few meters away, his discarded goggles in her pretty little hands.

"Were you watching me swim?" he asked, voice raspy and throat aching with the burn of swallowing chlorine water and his own debilitating sobs.

"You won't get better by just swimming recklessly like an idiot," Gou said, drawing closer to the pool and resting one hand on her hip. "Take a break."

Sousuke looked away, pulling himself out of the pool in one lithe movement. He removed his cap and calmly walked over to Gou, watching her through heavy-lidded, obscured teal eyes. It irritated him to see her standing there, ordering him around as if she somehow thought that Rin's authority somehow translated into her, too. Or worse, as if she knew he would not —  _could_   _not_ , deny her.

"You shouldn't be here," he said, and there was an edge to his voice that she would be deaf or stupid not to pick up on; and she was neither of those things.

"I came to visit," Gou said calmly, holding out his goggles for him. For a moment he looked like he was going to smile, but then the moment passed and he took them from her without so much as brushing her fingers.

"Visiting hours are over."

Sousuke turned on his heel, disappearing into the showers. He took his time, washing his hair and every taut and offended muscle thoroughly to make sure he got every trace of chlorine out of his skin. He thought about Gou and the last time he'd seen her, the kiss that he had pressed against her palm and how she had held him for endless minutes, until he could no longer bear to touch her. He had left her then and now she was here, watching him swim, having the gall to criticise and chide him and Sousuke couldn't stand it. When he was done and with his damp towel slung across his shoulders, he left the pool building, turning off all lights behind him.

He found her standing outside his door, hands clasped together in front of her.

"Rin isn't here," she said before he could ask why she was still at Samezuka when she ought to have left hours ago.

Sousuke opened his mouth, then grimly closed it. "He left to visit Nanase and the others." It wasn't a question, and so he did not poise it as one. He was already used to Rin's sporadic disappearances to visit his childhood friends and would have probably been roped into going, too, if he hadn't been at the pool since early in the evening. Sighing, he jammed the keys inside the keyhole and held the door open for Gou.

"Come on," he said, "you can't very well stay in the hallway all night.

The room he shared with Rin was very simple and Gou knew her way around it as well as she knew her way around her own home. He watched her sit on the edge of the bottom bunk, her feet crossed at her ankles and fingers deftly dialing her brother's number. He put his things away slowly, hanging his towel on a hook and taking his dirty clothes out of his bag to throw them inside his hamper while she kept getting his voicemail.

"He's not coming tonight," Gou finally said, shutting her phone and laying back on Rin's bed with a sigh. "I can't believe he'd go visit and not tell me."

"Since when has Rin  _ever_  told you his plans?" Sousuke absently asked. Gou's ruby eyes narrowed at him and she hitched her chin upwards.

"Whatever," she sighed. "It's too late for me to go home now, so I'll just wait for him to come back."

He wanted to reel and almost did, almost asked her —  _you're staying?_ — but only nodded quietly at her. His head was spinning because he hadn't been alone with her in so long and this was _his_ room,  _his and Rin's room_  and it made him nervous, suddenly, that she was taking up so much of his personal, private space. Sousuke focused on opening his drawers to find cool, clean clothes for him to sleep in; a pair of loose dark gray sweats and a wide-collared cotton t-shirt. He hesitated with his hand on his clothes and turned towards Gou with a raised eyebrow.

She was absently curling a lock of her hair around her finger, looking at the spattering of rain that was beginning to pick up outside the window. He cleared his throat, throwing her a hesitant look.

"Do you – er, need anything to sleep in?" he asked, gesturing towards her long skirt and crop top.

Gou blinked, then dropped her hands to her sides. "No, er, I'll borrow something of Rin's for tonight," she said quietly. "But thank you."

_Of course,_  he thought,  _how stupid of him not to have thought of that._

"I meant—ah, it doesn't matter," he mumbled. "I'll leave you to change."

"You don't have to leave," Gou said and immediately turned two shades darker. "I mean – you can just – just turn around for a bit?"

Sousuke tried not to let it get to him, he really did. He crossed his arms over his chest as he heard Gou shuffle from the bed and open Rin's drawer, pull out clothes and close it with a snap. He heard the shuffle of her clothing, her struggle to get out of something – or into something and he tried so very desperately not to get warm, not to think of her half-naked behind his back. He sighed, pulling on his sweats and shrugging his shirt off, tossing it over his shoulder and into the hamper, where he accidentally turned around.

Gou was already dressed, but not in Rin's clothes. She had picked out a blended gray t-shirt that belonged to  _him_ , not to Rin and he had to blink three times really fast to make sure he wasn't imagining her in it. It was enormous on her, fitting like a loose dress and leaving bare an expanse of white, creamy skin on her legs. Gou blushed slightly at his own state of undress, her eyes moving towards his reddened, bruising shoulder and making him grit his teeth in annoyance. Pulling his shirt over his head, Sousuke tsked as he moved to fix everything around the room without having to look at her.

When there was nothing else to do, he finally turned to Gou, who was by now lying comfortably in the bottom bunk and staring into her phone's screen absently. It was awkward, because he and Rin had exchanged beds since his shoulder had worsened and now his sister was lying there and he couldn't bear to tell her to move, ask her to get up because he couldn't hurl his gigantic body into the top bunk without wincing like a huge, useless baby. He stared at her and when she turned to him, he started, panicked and practically ran to turn off the lights.

The light that filtered through the thin curtains gave the room a ghostly feel and he was suddenly feeling the cold of that autumn night running in through the window. He stepped on the ladder, held on the cold iron bars with his hands as he climbed until Gou's tiny hand wrapped around his wrist and he had to lean to one side to see her. Her face was hidden by shadows but the half-light of the moon made her eyes bright, a fierce crimson that stilled him.

"Yes?" he asked, trying not to feel the pressure closing upon his ears.

"You don't have to sleep up there." Her voice was quiet, like a younger, more timid version of herself. Sousuke climbed the two steps he'd managed to before, gently prying himself free of her hold.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "Kou."

Maybe it was his voice, or maybe it was the sound of her name, half-murmured, half-whispered in the glittery light, but Gou shook her head and reached for his wrist again, pulling him down to her level, practically forcing him to his knees. Her touch was light as a feather but he wanted to tell her to stop because it burned wherever she touched him and then he wanted to tell her  _not_  to stop, because it burned wherever her touch left him. Her fingers were soft as they reached for his shoulders, gentle but sure as they pressed on the bruises he had given himself, the offended muscle and sinew crying out her name.

"Don't," he said, but it came out like a breathless whimper and she stilled her hands, fingers reaching upwards to cup his high cheekbones.

"Sou-kun" she murmured softly, fingers grazing his ear, knotting into the nape of his neck and pulling at him, bringing him closer until he was on his knees and his forehead touched her thin, fragile collarbone. "I wish you hadn't left, that day."

He didn't know if it was her pulling him onto the bed or if it was him, pushing her towards the wall but he was lying on his back with half-lidded eyes fixed on the iron bars above, his shoulder throbbing painfully under Gou's gentle fingers as she ran them up and down his right arm.

She tugged at his shirt, begging with those big, wet, ruby reds and he shrugged out of his shirt and his eyes never left hers because he wanted her to  _see_ , to  _know_  exactly what she was doing to him. Gou's gaze softened upon his damaged shoulder and she drew closer, drew figures upon his skin and left blazing trails wherever her fingers touched him for seconds too short to be considered a proper touch. And when finally her lips touched his bruised skin, Sousuke had to suppress a shudder and turn his eyes away so that she would not see how utterly disarming her attentions were.

"Does it hurt?" she asked, and Sousuke let out a shaky breath, tongue between his teeth as he shook his head, eyes closed tight.

"Not when you touch it like that," he whispered, thinking that he shouldn't have said anything at all because now Gou knew just how much he needed that, needed  _her_ , and how  _damned_  he was for it all.

He felt her move around, figure out a spot between his shoulder and his chest and made herself small but abundant in that little crevice, warm and soft and pliable between his arms. When she spoke, her voice was muffled against his skin and her breath sent shivers into his belly and knots to his throat.

"I'm here," she murmured, "and you don't have to hurt anymore."

The rain picked up outside his window, but he could not hear anything other than the sound of her breath and the clear, thundering echo of her voice.

 


	2. Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part I and II have been merged into a new Part I; Part III, and the chapter I had been writing these days now make up Part II. When I began writing this, it was meant to be originally just the one-shot. Then it was turned into a collection, in which I wrote Drowning, which, in turn, became a series. Because I did not expect to expand this work, the chapters were a bit short and choppy, so I'm trying to correct that now. Sorry for the inconvenience!
> 
> Also, thank you for your reviews, follows and favourites! I love reading your opinions so don't hesitate in letting me know whether you like, or hate, the story.
> 
> Kudos if you recognise Dr. Kido Jyou! I'm borrowing him from Digimon.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  

 

Feels like I'm trying to breathe under water, trying to climb but I keep falling farther.

_"I Need to Know",_  Kriss Allen

* * *

**From: Y. Sousuke [5:15AM]**

_Don't forget your sister's bag._

**From: Y. Sousuke [5:16AM]**

_I'm going for a run, then some laps. Don't wait for me._

He left the room quietly, before Gou had a chance to wake up and stop him, and he'd had no intentions of going back until she was on the train back home. Two weeks had passed, and he had not seen her since.

As his feet hit the pavement, Sousuke fixed his eyes on the road before him and tried to focus on the task at hand. His chest was heavy, like someone far stronger than him had been pressing in on it and refused to let him budge. His lungs ached as he breathed in the cold morning air, but he relished in the feeling of stretching his muscles, especially after last night's pitiful performance in the swimming pool. If he closed his eyes he could see her clearly, standing above the surface, looking down on him with a mixture of impatience and sympathy.

_Your fatigue is ruining your form._

His breath was laboured as he picked up speed, zipping his jacket up to his chin and forcing himself to leave it all, and her, behind. He turned left on the next corner, deviating from the trail he usually ran with Rin, for the one that took him through nearby hills. The trek was heavier, more difficult than running regular tracks, but it made up for the lack of exercise he otherwise engaged in. With his shoulder still in recovery, he'd been taking to compensating with leg strength in a cheap attempt to even his condition. So far, it had only made the tiniest of differences, but it was what kept Sousuke afloat.

He ran for almost two hours in intervals of intense running and what could only be considered intense jogging — Sousuke had never been particularly good at pacing himself, which was, he often reminded himself, the reason why he currently sported a shoulder brace. When his legs felt like jelly and he was absolutely too tired to go on, he took a deep breath and turned back towards the academy in a steady jog. He was drenched in sweat, hot all over when he saw her. She was checking in at the front desk, writing herself down as visiting her brother, Matsuoka Rin.

Sousuke pulled out his phone and dialed his friend's number.

"Rin," he spoke, loud enough for her to hear, "—your sister's here."

Then, with barely a perfunctory nod as greeting, he walked right past her and towards his building and room.

"Oi, Sousuke," Rin looked up when he came in, a pencil twirled idly between long fingers. "Where's Gou?"

"She was checking in," the young man replied, not looking at Rin as he removed his jacket and threw it into the hamper. "Are you going out today?" he tried to keep his tone casual, disinterested.

"I think she's got the whole evening planned," Rin sighed. "I told her I had studying to do but…"

"—but she wouldn't take no for an answer."

Rin stretched his arms over his head, yawning.

"I didn't realise you understood her so well," he chuckled.

"I don't," he said, with such vice he had to check himself before carelessly adding, "— but she's your sister, isn't she?"

_"Oi,"_  Rin complained, obviously recovered from his initial surprise at Sousuke's vehemence in denying he had anything but a superficial understanding of the younger Matsuoka. Aiming his eraser at him, which Sousuke effortlessly dodged, he leaned back on his chair. "Anyway, you're coming with?"

"Not today," Sousuke did not even bat an eyelash as he continued loading his clothes, searching for a fresh change to take into the showers. He turned over his shoulder, giving Rin a half smile. "I have to be somewhere. You'll have to tell me all about it later tonight."

He moved towards the door at the same time she had reached for it, and ended up staring down into her crimson eyes for two seconds before he averted his gaze, patting her on the head without sparing her another glance.

"Have fun," he said, and he felt his chest tighten just a little, because he had not missed the little hurt in her eyes when he ignored her thus.

He took more time than necessary in the shower, wondering if any of them knew he was purposefully stalling. He knew he was being a coward, knew it in his gut, but knowing that did nothing to assuage the feeling of helplessness he got whenever Gou was around. It was a cruel reminder of how weak he had been and just how lonely he had felt all this time. And being with Gou, having her linger closely in moments that were too intimate, too intense like everything else Sousuke was, was slowly killing him.

He returned to the room, unsurprised that he did not find them there. He hadn't wanted to, but even as he saw the empty beds and chairs, he felt his heart sink as if he had missed something important.

-x-

His two o'clock appointment found him dutifully in the waiting room, elbows lax over his knees, hands hanging casually. He looked up as his name was called, following the pretty nurse with gentle face that told him the doctor was expecting him.

The office was large and spacious, and smelled of fresh lavender — not the artificial smell on fabric softeners or car aromatizers, but the smell of freshly cut sprigs of lavender and he could see them in the clear vase, swaying softly in the breeze that entered the open window. The doctor, upon seeing him, tapped his files against his desk and turned back to close the window and turn up the A/C.

"I like airing the office every now and then," he explained unnecessarily, a statement Sousuke barely acknowledged.

The nurse, who took the files off his hand, offered him a bright smile.

"Anything else I can do for you, Dr. Kido?"

"Nothing for now," he said absently, pushing his glasses farther up his face. "I already have Yamazaki-kun's files, thank you, Megumi-san."

"You're welcome sensei," the woman said, bowing before leaving the two men alone.

Sousuke observed his young doctor, his pale complexion and glossy blue hair, dark blue eyes hidden behind thick-rimmed glasses. Though he was based in Tokyo, the doctor was participating in a programme that brought him to different parts of the country in an effort to recruit candidates for his rehabilitation programme, which was how Sousuke came to find himself in this provisional office.

"So, Yamazaki-kun," the doctor said, "how's your shoulder feeling?"

Sousuke shrugged. "Just the same. Still hurts. Still can't swim."

"Have you been going through your exercises?"

"Of course I have," he murmured, already annoyed.

"Would you mind showing me?"

"My shoulder?"

"Your exercises, Yamazaki-kun. We'd like to keep you in observation for today, if that's alright with you," he ran his finger down his tablet, looking at Sousuke over his glasses. "It'll take a few hours, but it'll help assess your current condition."

"I'll call my parents," Sousuke finally agreed, rising from the chair and dialing his family number. Five minutes later and much more reassured, he returned to the office and looked at his doctor straight in the eye while he nodded. "I'm yours for the weekend."

His assessment was proven to be long, tiring and frustrating. He was taken to the machines, where he was weighed, measured and subjected to a physical exam before he even began his workout. He was asked to cooperate with his running device for a sample of his time and speed, endurance and average. Then he was set to walk, jog, run and lift weights, pull weights, put different levels of strain on his arms and legs and, particularly, on his shoulders.

It wasn't the first time he had done it, and it would not be the last. He waited as Dr. Kido made observations now and then, clipped orders and asked him to do more, or less, or better. By the end of the terribly long weekend Sousuke was too exhausted to even complain about having to leave late. He grumbled a good-bye, catching the bus back to Samezuka by sundown.

**From M. Rin [5:48PM]**

_Are you home yet?_

**From: Y. Sousuke [5:49PM]**

_Yes._

**From: M. Rin [5:50PM]**

_I'm running late, can you sign me up at the front desk?_

**From: Y. Sousuke [5:53PM]**

_Bring food._

Rin came in at around ten, when Sousuke was busy finishing up papers he had been putting off the entire week. His red-haired friend dropped a bag on the desk, then threw himself on the bottom bunk and sighed loudly. Sousuke did not turn around, but opened the bag and gingerly picked at the food he had been brought, a large bento box that had clearly been arranged with much care.

"Remind me to thank your mother," he said, taking a bite of freshly cut tuna.

"She was upset you didn't come home for the weekend," Rin said absently, picking idly at his phone. "And anyway, Gou made that for you."

Upon hearing it, Sousuke lowered his chopsticks, looking at the box with hesitance. Rin didn't seem to notice, or took it as doubt that the food was safe to eat, so he chuckled, taking a small bundle out of his backpack and throwing it at the back of Sousuke's head.

"She also sent this," he said. "Said sorry, she thought it was mine."

He picked the shirt off the floor, the one Gou had picked to sleep in the last time she had come over to visit Rin. Frowning, he set it on the desk next to his books and slowly got back to his food, now paying painful attention to the way everything was so carefully arranged and skillfully prepared. And he wondered if that was her way of saying sorry.

_Sorry, she thought it was mine._

"She didn't have to," Sousuke mumbled. "I hope you didn't make her."

"Nah," Rin said. "She was cooking for the guys anyway. I just asked for an extra bento."

He didn't know why, but that was almost worse. He finished the rest of his meal in silence, only occasionally responding to Rin's remarks or questions, acting like the dutiful friend he was as the redhead told in detail his fantastic weekend home with his sister, and mother, and best friends. And though Sousuke wanted to complain because his weekend had been  _shitty_  in comparison, he could only shrug when Rin asked about it, because how pathetic did it sound:  _I spent the weekend in a hospital Rin, what did you expect?_

"It was alright," he answered. "Routinary exercises."

"Any news?" Rin perked up.

"I'll find out tomorrow," Sousuke answered shortly, as if it was no big deal. He quickly made an excuse to turn back to his work and finish his dinner and by the time he was done, Rin had already climbed on the top bunk and was fast asleep.

He was about to change into fresh clothes when he saw it, the shirt Rin had brought back. He brought it to his face, shocked that it would bring her scent with it, even now. And then, because he could not think of anything else more comforting, he shrugged into the shirt, falling on the bed with a lost stare and the knowledge that she was so far away, until sleep finally claimed him.

-x-

To: Yamazaki, S.

From: Kido, J.

Subject: Results

_Good morning, Yamazaki-kun._

_I have with me the results of your exams and physical tests and would like to discuss them in person, if possible. Call to make an appointment and I will clear it with your physical therapist. We need to work together if we want to achieve full recovery, but it cannot be done without a positive disposition. Please stay safe._

_Kido Jyou_

_._

Sousuke read the email three times, then blinked slowly. He had woken up at the usual time and it wasn't until lunch break that he caught the notification on his smartphone. He quickly dialed the number he had by now memorised and cleared an appointment for that same afternoon, 4:30PM. He rubbed at his shoulder absently, a habit he hadn't realised he'd picked up. Slipping his phone back inside his trouser pockets, Sousuke stiffled a yawn and walked back towards his class with a very impatient Rin.

"Was it good news?" the redhead asked, watching him out of the corner of his eye. Sousuke paused, then shrugged.

"He wants to discuss it in person," he said, and then let out a chuckle. "Kind of a giveaway, isn't it? Nobody wants to share bad news over email."

Rin had tried to sound cheerful and optimistic, but Sousuke caught him biting the end of two pens and barking orders at Nitori on their way to practice. For once, he was actually glad he'd be skipping, even if it was to sit for half an hour on a bus to face a physician that was about to break his heart in the way he had broken his own shoulder. He crossed his arms over his chest, earphones plugged in and music blasting high as he tried to mute the sounds of his erratically beating heart.

He entered the hospital with his hands deep inside his pockets, eyes cast downwards as he found his way through the now familiar hallways, brightly lit and clean in that way only hospitals could be.

"I'm here for my appointment," he announced at the pretty nurse from the other day, who smiled her  _pretty_  smile for him, sending a wink his way.

"Yamazaki-kun, yes," she cooed, "Dr. Kido is waiting for you with Fujiwara-san. Do you want me to escort you inside?"

"I would rather not," he answered, unabashed to turn her down. It was a thing you learned when you were in and out of hospitals; nurses were there to help, not to baby you. Sousuke wanted neither her help nor her sympathy, and he let her know with a swift, cool smile.

"Alright then," she said. "Good luck, Yamazaki-kun."

They were waiting for him, sitting at the desk and drinking a goddamn cup of tea, and this was, perhaps, what bothered him the most.

"Yamazaki-kun," they greeted him. "Fancy some tea?"

Again, he thought, with the bad news. A cup of tea would not make him feel better, but he did not know what would, so he said yes. Dr. Kido poured his tea unhurriedly as he was ushered inside and offered the seat next to Fujiwara Hiroaki, his physical therapist. He held the mug in his hands, sucking up the warmth in his otherwise cold hands.

"Well, as we said, we have the results of your exams and tests," Dr. Kido began, placing his steaming mug on the desk and looking at him with gentle eyes. He pushed a large manila envelope towards him and Sousuke found his x-rays and results. "Congratulations," he said, "—you've made significant progress in your path to recovery."

His eyes fleeted over the papers and back at his physicians, one eyebrow raised.

"I am?"

"Definitely," Dr. Kido assured him. "Granted, it's been a slow process, I am happy to report that rehabilitation has done you well."

Sousuke sighed, relieved, and he even smiled. "That's good to hear."

"The reason why we called you personally, though," the doctor continued, "was that we do not want you to get complacent."

"At this stage in the process, you're most vulnerable," Fujiwara-san explained. "It is important that you continue coming to rehab and not overwork your shoulder."

"Your exams show you've been under dangerous strain, particularly the past few weeks," Dr. Kido said. "If you continue, Yamazaki-kun, I'm afraid you won't manage a full recovery."

"I thought you said I was  _fine_ ," he said slowly, lowering his results.

"And you are," the doctor said carefully. "But these things take time, Sousuke, and we'd like you to continue therapy before releasing an official statement."

"You're not discharging me," he said.

"I'm afraid that would be irresponsible of us."

"How long?" he asked, mouth dry.

"It's difficult to say, every patient is different and—,"

_"How long?"_

Kido Jyou was a patient man, he knew, but he did not appreciate attitude. His thin lips were set in a firm line and he brought the tea to his lips, swallowing twice before speaking again in that clear, clinical voice that Sousuke had come to hate.

"Six months, at the very least."

He gripped the mug in his hand, tight enough that his knuckles almost turned white.

"You have to continue your physical therapy," Fujiwara-san added. "We all want you to get better, Yamazaki-kun, but you cannot  _force_  this."

"Six months is a  _long_  time," he muttered, bringing the tea to his lips to avoid screaming at them.

"Sousuke," the doctor said, clasping his hands together and resting his elbows on the desk. "If you don't go through with treatment, if you don't let your shoulder heal—,"

"—I won't make it in time for nationals on summer, I know—,"

"You won't make it to nationals  _ever_ ," Dr. Kido said in a low voice. "Your shoulder has been under too much strain, too many times; if it doesn't heal now, while you're young and your injuries are manageable, the chances that it ever will are next to none. You won't be able to swim competitively, do you understand that?"

-x-

"Oi, Sousuke."

"Hm," he looked up at Rin, who was wearing his Samezuka jacket over a red t-shirt, swimming glasses on his forehead.

"You look like a goddamn princess, did you know?" he called, stretching his shoulder and pulling his own jacket on as he picked up his and Rin's bags.

_"Tch,"_  Rin let out, smoothing back his hair. "Shut up and get moving."

"As you wish,  _Matsuoka-hime._ " Sousuke dodged the kick aimed at his calves, running a hand through thin dark hair after hooking his swimming goggles around his shoulder. He walked unhurriedly whilst Rin ran his mouth off discussing bullet points he'd been interested in trying out with the team, and he tuned out of the conversation, perhaps a little too soon.

The rest of the team was there already, punctual to practice if they ever were. And there, stretching near the broad Samezuka windows, was the Iwatobi Swimming Club.

"It's a joint practice?" he asked, teal eyes rushing to find the familiar flash of red.

Rin raised an eyebrow, turning his face slightly. "Weren't you listening to me? I'm sure I said it half a dozen times."

"You talk too much," Sousuke said unabashedly. "I tune out, most of the time."

"You feckless—,"

_"Matsuoka-buchou!"_

He watched Rin get dragged from his side by young Nitori and he stared, half-dazed as Gou tapped her pen against her clipboard, giving out instructions to her own swimming team. Feeling that familiar hollow in his chest, he turned around and quickly shrugged off his jacket. He stretched, then placed his goggles on and jumped into the water without waiting for Rin's whistle.

When he emerged, he felt as though he hadn't been breathing for a long time. He tried to focus on his routine, on the sound of Rin's voice, on the whistle announcing he could jump back into the water. He focused on his shoulders, on making wide turns, elongating his arms and gliding effortlessly through the pool. Because, why should he fight the flow when it went against him, always? He opened his eyes and kept them open throughout his laps.

He would  _not_  cry.

_It's just pressure coming out._

He climbed out two hours later, aching all over and it was, quite by accident, that he saw her. Gou was standing by the door; half turned to him as she discussed what he could only assume were the results of that day's practice, with her captain. It hadn't occurred to him, how precious her smile was or how much he'd missed seeing it because for the past months, whenever he and Gou saw each other she was always on the verge of tears. And it shored him suddenly, that he was always making her cry.

He eased himself out of the water, walked past them without giving a second look, but he did not miss Makoto's smile when he walked in after him, or how his hand had lingered on her shoulder for a second too long.

Sousuke turned the water out cold, bowing his head down as he held on to the faucet, letting it slow down his heartbeat until it was but a weak murmur, deep inside his chest. Lifting up his face he closed his eyes against the sting on his offended muscles, ignored the shivers that wanted to shake and rake him and leave him the sobbing mess he knew himself to be.

And when he was out, she was waiting for him, and Sousuke somehow knew he had been waiting for her too.

"Gou," he greeted her quietly, one hand on the towel above his head as he dried his hair.

"Hi," she breathed. "Can we talk?"

He wanted to say no, he  _should've_  said no, but he found himself nodding and following her out of the gym, past the teammates that lingered in the changing rooms and her own team, who barely even glanced at them as they left. They stopped outside, surrounded by the greenery in the courtyard. Sousuke placed his bag on a weathered wooden bench and continued to towel-dry his hair, keeping his cool gaze trained on Gou's hands and not her face. When she spoke, his eyes flitted briefly to hers, curious and hesitant.

"You've been avoiding me," she stated, and the bluntness of her words actually made him frown.

"That's not—,"

"Do  _not_  insult me," Gou bit out, with far more venom than he had expected. "You have, and we both know it."

"Fine," he said, because his patience had been eroding for a long time now. " _Fine_ , I have. What of it, now?" He watched her bite her lip and he silently berated himself once more, because here she was, willing to talk some sense into him and in all but two minutes he had already managed to upset her.

He shuffled his feet awkwardly, hesitating to even place a comforting hand on her shoulder. But before he could do anything Gou had already closed the space between them, placing her thin, frail arms around him and he could only stare down at her, stunned.

"Gou?"

"You keep shutting us out," she murmured into his shirt. "Don't you know it hurts?"

"I'm sorry," he muttered, and he meant it, because he had never intended to drag her down with him, or make her hurt. She raised her head, eyes shining and lips trembling and he had never known her so small, and he had never thought she could be this warm. "Gou, I never meant to—,"

And he had never imagined she'd reach up, pull him down to her and kiss him. For a moment, he did nothing – did not breathe, or blink, or move. But then her hand cupped his cheek and it sort of kicked in, that she was kissing him and expected to be kissed in return. Sousuke moved his lips, captured hers more fully and when he drew back, he could taste her lipgloss and his heart on the tip of his tongue.

Gou had turned a delicate shade of pink, eyes watery and big and round, and he could feel it again, how she could turn him to putty in those tiny hands. "I-I want to help, Sou-kun."

Then, it was gone. Sousuke blinked, taking a step back. "Help?" he asked in a strange voice. "I don't need your  _help_." He did not need yet  _another_  person looking out for him, swearing that he'd get out of the hell he had been in for over a fucking year.

"What?" she stuttered, "Sou-kun—,"

"I never asked for your  _help_ , Gou," he breathed out, because there was a tightness spreading through his chest and he felt as though his lungs would give in. "I never asked for  _any_  of this."

"Sousuke, no, you're getting it all wrong, I—," her hands reached for him, but Sousuke shook himself from her grip.

"I'm not Rin," he told her, picking up his bag and slinging it carelessly over his good shoulder. "Or Nanase. You can't start a little campaign to save me — I'm not your  _charity case_."

"I never said you were!" she cried out now, and the tears were finally falling. "But you  _do_  need help, you  _do_  need someone!"

"I have to go."

"No, Sou-kun, we need to talk, you can't just  _leave_  again."

"No," he bit out, "—we do  _not_."

He turned from her, unaffected that he was leaving her out in the cold autumn air, crying and hurting because of him. He felt cold inside, because he was tired of being tired, of being patronized and being the centre of every fucking pity party in that goddamn town. His future, once so close, was slipping away like water through his fingers, and in a way, Gou was too.

Because he saw the look in Tachibana's eye when he stormed past, the downwards lilt in his mouth and he knew before he turned around, before he could see it happen, that he was going to run to her, and he would find her, and he would comfort her like Sousuke never could.

_It's just pressure coming out._


	3. Part III

And I can barely see you; you're like an ocean in between the waves.

 _"An Ocean In Between the Waves",_  The War On Drugs

* * *

To: Yamazaki, S.

From: Kido, J.

Subject: Concerns

_Good morning, Yamazaki-kun._

_Your therapist informed me that you have missed yet another session. This marks another important week of progress we have lost, and we're been very concerned for your absences. There is nothing we would like more than to continue working with you, please remember that whenever you're ready, you can reach out to either of us._

_Please stay safe._

_Kido Jyou_

_._

He stared up at the ceiling, bright teal eyes dulled under heavy lids. His chest rose and fell evenly, his heart beating erratically. He hadn't been to the hospital in almost six weeks; though he had kept religiously to the regime he had been given. He had even taken the time to include regular swimming practice with the Samezuka team, if only to appease Rin's insistence that he could not continue in the team if he did not take part of their practices. It had been on the tip of Sousuke's tongue to bite out that he did not belong anywhere, let alone his  _team_ , but he had been struggling for a long time with his and Rin's feelings about those goddamn relays and he'd be damned if he'd open that particular can of worms again.

Two weeks after the incident there was another joint practice scheduled and Sousuke, if only to prove a point, was there on time. But Gou hadn't attended, and he had felt almost guilty she hadn't. He had to stop and remind himself that this was  _not_  his fault. He overheard Tachibana explain that Gou had claimed to be sick, and Rin made a note to visit his sister soon. Sousuke just walked past and straight into the showers.

As spring gave way to warmer weather, Samezuka and Iwatobi did not engage in any other joint practice. He learned from Rin that they were now using the Iwatobi Swim Club Returns' indoor pool whenever the inclement weather hit town, and he had to stifle the tiny bubble of rage that burst inside him when he did. It's not that he wanted to see them or  _her_ , but a tiny part of Sousuke wanted Gou to take responsibility for what she had done to him. For taking him, and breaking him and turning him into this mess of a person, far worse than he had been before she had come.

By the last days of February, the cold had mostly receded and it was warm enough to wear only a jacket. Flowers were in bloom and soon the sakura trees would fully blossom — a sight Sousuke had learned had some sort of significance for Rin and his friends. He'd done his best to avoid the topic but in the end, Rin had thrown it casually out there, right before practice. So he went to the stupid festival, knowing fully well that it was the worst fucking idea Rin had ever had; it took everything out of Sousuke not to punch him square in the face when he announced his _other_  friends were there, too. But he was nothing if not relentless, and he had the stupid delusion he had something to prove.

As the time for  _hanami_  drew closer, the town grew livelier and Sousuke's mood seemed to plummet. The entire pier area was covered in little stands with fragrant food, shiny baubles and loud, fun games. Sousuke drew up the collar of his light blue jacket, then buried his hands deep in his pockets as he pretended to be excited about all the things Momo and Ai were discussing, while Rin chided them half-heartedly as they walked towards the infamous meeting place.

" _Tch_ ," Rin suddenly bit out. "I thought I told him to keep his hands off her,  _mostly_." He turned to Sousuke with a cocked eyebrow. "Does that look like it to you?"

And Sousuke felt a knot tie itself inside his stomach, as if it anticipated a tragedy. He knew it, had known about it since the first moment Tachibana flushed a furious shade of red when Gou jumped on his back, ecstatic to congratulate them in their win. And yet, seeing them together, hand in hand, was like waking up to your house set on fire, knowing there was nothing you could do but wait for others to put it out. It angered him, because she had been so small and so sweet and so soft in his hands and she had  _kissed_  him, and he had been damned since then.

Then she was kissing him, and Sousuke, though he pretended not to care, not to mind, not to  _think_  about her like that, could do nothing but stare.

"Oi!" Rin called out. "Knock it off, Makoto."

The young man turned his face, cheeks slightly flushed and eyebrows cranking up at the sight of the Samezuka team. His green eyes shone brightly and right there, next to him, stood Gou, who looked right past Sousuke, as if he never had existed at all. At that moment, he half wished it was true.

"Rin," Makoto greeted, self-consciously scratching his cheek with his free hand. "I'm glad you could make it!"

"Right," Rin deadpanned. "I'm  _sure_  you are."

"You're insufferable, nii-san," Gou pouted as Rin drew closer, patting her head and messing up her hair, falling into light teasing as a defence for not knowing how to act in front of a sister who seemed to have grown up. He knew this, because it was how he would've felt, if that was him.

She looked up, one eye closed and stopped in her tracks when she caught his eye.

"Gou," he said simply. And then, because he couldn't resist not to, looked up and right into Makoto's gentle green eyes. "Makoto."

He decidedly and discretely avoided them for the rest of the evening. It wasn't so hard to do, he reckoned. After all, Rin wasn't particularly keen on being around them much either and it wasn't long before they wandered off from the group, leaving Momo and Ai with the rest of the Iwatobi team members as they walked around the stalls and stations that had popped up, playing games and eating what seemed to be their own weight in fried food.

Rin bent down to peer at the bright goldfish swimming in their pools and Sousuke gazed up into the adorned fairy lights. The whole atmosphere was light, romantic and he sighed softly, wishing he could be anywhere but there.

"Since when?" he found himself asking, unable to stop once the words tumbled out of his mouth.

"Couple of weeks ago," Rin answered without looking up. "I'm not quite sure. It's weird."

"It's not weird," Sousuke said after a moment, leaning down closer, his eyes following a particularly red goldfish with a long, swishy tail. "You  _know_  Tachibana."

"Makoto's fine," Rin said. "It's just — I always thought she fancied you." Rin stood, shrugging at the look on Sousuke's face.

_Don't you know it hurts?_

He looked away, eyes fixed on the little bowls of fish until Rin called his name out, once more. "You coming?"

"Yeah," he murmured.

Later, he would wonder what possessed him into thinking it was a good idea.

"Nii-san, let's go!"

"No,  _I_  want to go with nii-san!"

" _I_  want to go with  _Haru-chan_ , then!"

"I want to go with Haru-chan too!"

Sousuke listened to the younger Tachibanas whine and cry as they held on to their older brother's clothes and Nanase's leg like a pair of overexcited, overzealous puppies. Sousuke, not having had any brothers to fight or play with, found the exchange both endearing and extremely irritating.

"Ren, calm down will you?" Makoto begged. "And Ran, please let go of Haru-cha—,"

"—don't call me chan," Haruka murmured, eyes set on Makoto's sister's tiny form.

"—sorry," he apologised. "Ran, please let go of Haru's leg?"

Both twins answered at the same time, a big, resounding: NO!

"I'm sorry about this," Makoto apologised again. "I should take them home…," he looked down at his siblings, who seemed to be taking turns running around his and Haruka's legs without stumbling into each other and then turned towards Gou, who was giggling softly at Ran's attempt to put her hair up like hers.

"Would you mind?"

"No," Gou said with a smile. "It's fine, go ahead. We'll see you later, Makoto-senpai."

Before they could even think of kissing, Sousuke stood up and walked away from them, gazing up into the decorated trees and lamplights that hung lazily around him. He blinked, trying to drown the acrid taste of bile rising up to his throat at the image that was seared behind his eyelids, of Gou reaching up to kiss Tachibana Makoto. He tried telling himself it was normal, a thing to be expected. It was Rin's sister, of course it would bother him that she'd come out with a boyfriend out the blue. But even as he sat there, warm cup in his hand, he knew that wasn't quite it. It had less to do with Gou, maybe, and more to do with Tachibana. Him, and his gentle fucking gaze. Him, and his flawless smile. Him, and his selfless, ever-giving disposition. Him, and how starkly _different_  he was to Sousuke.

The thought made him want to vomit.

It was a while before Rin and Gou joined him, after both Ryugazaki and Hazuki had taken their leave. Sousuke felt the weight of Rin's foot against his calf, turning around lazily towards the redheads and trying to look casual.

"Done?"

Rin shrugged. "I guess. We can hang around if you want," he nudged Gou.

"Actually, we'd better get going if we're going to catch the last train," Sousuke said, as politely as he could, eyes trained on his wristwatch.

"We can always stay," Rin shrugged again, then grinned unexpectedly. "It'll be just like old times. Romantic, huh?"

He considered it for a moment but then, as if he could feel it, promptly shot the idea down. "You stay," he said. "I've got to go to the hospital in the morning."

"Oh," Rin said. "Sure, okay.

It wasn't a complete lie, and Rin looked surprised but pleased enough, and Sousuke tried not to let that bother him. He didn't even look at Gou, sure that whatever he saw in there would probably set him off again.

"I'll see you," he called out to no-one in particular, and then: "Say hi to your mum from me."

Ai and Momo were tired, asleep during the whole ride home. The train rode on, slowly. He went through the motions with practiced ease, fell to bed in a movement, gazed out the window with a vice.

_I always thought she fancied you._

-x-

It happened during practise.

With his torso elongating above the surface of the water, he looked like some great beast, right in his element. Ryugazaki Rei had gotten better, it was true, but Sousuke had not long ago been one of the top ten butterfly swimmers, and every day he came closer and closer to reminding people of that. Of course, every day he was also cruelly reminded of how far back his injury had set him.

He took a huge gulp of air, dove in, rose back out. Air, in, out. Air, in out. Air, in, out. He could feel himself gaining momentum, the strain of the effort paying off as Ryugazaki kicked and paddled meters back. Then he felt it. Just the tiniest of flinches, the subtlest stretch of sinew, protest of muscle and he was floored. He stopped, opening his mouth, diving under the water and letting himself out quietly from one side of the pool.

"Sousuke!" Rin called out, but he never turned back.

Rei was looking around as he got to the finish line, but his friends were not cheering for him and the rival team was not cheering for Yamazaki-san; they were quiet, looking from a distance as he stormed outside, stumbling on his way to the showers.

"What's wrong with Yamazaki-san?"

"I don't know," Makoto said, sweeping between them with surprising ease for a young man his size. "But we should probably give him some space. Come on, everybody," he called out to the swimmers. "—practice isn't over yet. Next heat, are you ready?"

Sousuke did not wait for Rin or any of the others to go for him. He took the quickest shower of his life and, still damp, slipped into his clothes. He slung his back over his shoulder - his  _good_ shoulder, and left before anyone had half a chance to stop him. On the edge of the pool, Makoto lingered, and so did Rin. But only Gou went after him, though both her brother and boyfriend pretended not to notice.

She ran, turned right on an empty corridor and back to the other side, surrounding the pool area and stopping in the middle of a cobblestone path in the Samezuka gardens, where Sousuke leaned against a tall statue, fingers trembling against his phone. The crunch of her shoes on the leaves was what alerted him of her presence and he hid the phone, the panicked, lost look he'd had replaced by a mask of cool indifference.

"What do  _you_  want?"

"What happened back there?"

_"Oi, Sousuke!"_

"I'm not talking about this with you," Sousuke mumbled, drawing his gaze away from her.

Rin had caught up with them now, looking grave and worried. "You can't just fucking  _leave_  like that, what the hell's wrong with you?!"

Sousuke bristled, like some great feline that found himself cornered. "I'll explain later, okay? I intended to."

"Oh, so you can't tell me, but you're fine talking about it with  _Rin,_ " Gou exclaimed, letting a dry chuckle out. "Of course."

"Gou?" Rin began, confused, "—what?"

"I mean it Gou," Sousuke muttered darkly. "Let it go."

"No, you come here and you pretend  _nothing_  happened, that you haven't been igno—," a sharp, shrill ring cut off her conversation and Rin picked up his phone in a hurry, practically barking into it.  _"What?"_

But neither Sousuke nor Gou were paying attention to his conversation, too deeply engrossed in their own interactions. Gou had a sharp tongue, something she and her brother could boast to share; and though Sousuke had an iron patience (or so he liked to claim), she was quickly doing away with it.

"—ring me for  _weeks_ —,"

"—no, tell Makoto—,"

He could feel it bubble within him again, ready to burst any time now... Sousuke looked past her, his fingers wrapped around his phone, gripping it tightly. It didn't matter anymore, really. He wasn't going to do it, not now, not with her there. When he spoke again, he found that his voice had gone strangely low, and cold, inteded to be heard only by her.

"So do you actually  _like_  Tachibana, or do you only kiss the guys you feel sorry for?" Across him, Gou had gone uncannily quiet. He smirked. "It's an actual question, Matsuoka."

"You have no right," she muttered, and he could see her lower lip trembling with contained rage. "Don't bring him into this."

"I have no right?" he repeated, shocked. " _You_  have no right," his eyes narrowed, "—what makes you think  _you_  can come here, and yap at me over something that did not happ—,"

"It happened, Sousuke!" Gou exclaimed. "How can you pretend it didn't? Like you've done with everything else!"

"Because it has nothing to do with you, Gou!" his voice rose, too, and he took one step towards her. "Why is it so hard to understand that? This is  _my_  business. Not Rin's, not Tachibana's and certainly not  _yours,"_  the last word was spat so viciously that Gou closed the distance between them and in a split second, the silence was broken by the sound of her hand colliding hard against his cheek.

Rin had gone unusually quiet, cutting his phonecall short and letting his arms hang limply by his sides, still shocked by what had happened.

Sousuke's eyes widened for a second and his hand rose to touch his face, the way his skin tingled, hot and painful underneath his cold fingers. Gou's eyes were unforgiving, brimming with tears, lips sucked inwards to avoid crying. He pressed the offended muscle, just once, brushed his cheek where her nails had broken his skin.

"I thought," she sniffled, "I thought you—,"

"You thought what?" he asked, voice low. "You thought I gave a  _fuck_  what you and Tachibana do?" Sousuke bent down to retrieve his bag, just as Tachibana reached the scene, still wearing his swimming jammers, shirtless. Sousuke looked at him and then at Gou. "He can have you."

"Sou..."

"I have other things to worry about."

In the second it took Rin to reach him and touch his shoulder — his  _bad_ shoulder, too, Sousuke threw his arm away, practically hissing. He'd had enough of these people thinking they knew best, that they could understand him, that he needed their help.

"Stay out of it, Rin."

Sousuke needed none of it.


	4. Part IV

Drag me out of the sea and then teach me how to breathe.

 _"March Into the Sea",_ Modest Mouse

* * *

The smell of tobacco pervaded the air and he was surprised at how quickly it had eroded the smell of fresh pines. He stared quietly as she brought the thin cigarette to her pretty pouty lips, her nails painted a deep red. She was prettier in the wan light of the lamposts, sharper, somehow, than when she was softened by the hospital lights.

"Should you be smoking?"

Megumi-san turned around, smiling softly at him. "The irony is not lost on me, believe it."

"I don't think there's anything ironic about you smoking," he said, unsure of where he was going with it. "I just wondered if you should."

"You don't?" she asked, amused. "Many people find it ironic that a nurse would actually have the gall to smoke."

"It's just a cigarette," Sousuke replied, shrugging his shoulders. He was still wearing the simple white t-shirt he had put on after his shower, without a jacket, and it was starting to get cold. He suppressed a shiver. "And if that's what you want..."

But instead of replying, Dr. Kido's nurse just gave a tiny nod towards him. "That cute girl came by again this afternoon, the one that always asks about you. Is she your girlfriend?"

He tried not to let his surprise show, taking a small breath and sighing, averting his gaze.

"No."

She came closer to him and now he could see her more clearly, wondering how she could still look beautiful after a long day of work, under this bad lighting, with a cigarette popped in her mouth. Bending closer, she raised a hand to his forehead, pushed his hair back, blew the smoke away from his face, though he still caught the pungent, sweet smell.

"People do things they shouldn't all the time, Sousuke-kun, is that what you think?" she asked. "And they also avoid doing the things they need to do. Don't you think that's strange?"

He stared right back into her eyes, unflinching. "There's a difference, you know, between what you want, and what you need."

"Yes," she said in a soft voice, straightening as her fingers left his face, "there is."

She flicked the ashes from her cigarette and sighed, taking a deep drag and keeping it inside in a way that would never come as natural to him, he was sure.

"We're all trying to help you," she began after a moment. "Not just here at the hospital and," she sighed, letting out a steady stream of smoke, "—there's nothing wrong with letting people know that you understand that difference." She tossed the cigarette away, then ruffled his hair with the hand that had not been holding it before turning on her heel and winking over her shoulder at him.

"Don't tell Dr. Kido you saw me smoking!" she called out. "He keeps getting upset whenever I do."

-x-

At night, the ocean swelled and roared with the same kind of quiet energy that had always drawn him to it. Sousuke sat on the shoreside, shoulders hunched, eyes clouded-over, mouth set down firmly in a thin line. The skies were a dark, dark blue and it was difficult to see where the ocean ended and where the sky began. He pulled the hoodie of his sweatshirt up and laid back once again, letting the quiet storm brewing within him settle again.

The smell of salt was heavy and during the first days, the marks on his cheeks had burned in the salty air. They were faint lines now, the scabs thin and fragile over the once-exposed bits of cheek; the swelling was gone and he had not bruised. In the weeks that had followed he had gone back to the hospital; no attitude, no questions asked, just driven straight into work, and therapy, and school; and he felt just as empty as he had done the first morning back. The marks on his face were fading, but that did not mean they hurt any less.

Sousuke shook his head, shaking the sand out of his clothes and resuming his run along the beach.

He ought to have been more surprised to see her but the truth was that he had been almost expecting it. Gou was lurking in the back of his head all the time and it was only a matter of time until he ran into her here, in real life, too. She was wearing her hair up and a thin jacket over to protect her from the cold air they had been hit with recently, the last vestige of a spring that refused to die. She stopped, fingers gripping the plastic bag on her side until they were white and Sousuke could feel his skin prickle and the back of his throat well-up with bile.

"Sousuke-kun..."

Sousuke, shouldering his bag, only looked ahead. "Don't let me stop you."

But her voice called out to him, small and distant.

"Can we—can we talk?"

He turned to her only a fraction, face surprised, eyes a dull green. "I don't think so," he said. "Talking with you has never taken me anywhere good."

She actually flinched this time and he knew her eyes were searching his cheek, so he did the only thing he could think of and lowered his hoodie so she could take a good, hard look at what she had given him. He knew he shouldn't feel as vindictive but the past few weeks had been hard, and long, and _lonely_ , and Sousuke was getting tired of her face coming up and her name slipping out and her voice clouding his ears _again, and again, and again._

"I deserve that," she admitted, shuffling her feet. "But I really do just want to talk Sou-kun. Please?"

And it may have been his loneliness, and it may have been his pride, or it may have had something to do with the fact that she really _did_ look quite contrite, but Sousuke shrugged, reaching over and taking her bags from her hands. He tried not to linger on the jolt of electricity he felt when they touched, or how her cheeks turned a pretty crimson, or how his stomach consumed itself and expanded all in a matter of three seconds. They walked over to the dimly lit benches on the edge of the street, the ones that overlooked the ocean and that, on Fridays, were occuppied by all kinds of lovers. Not today though, not today.

"You haven't been to practice," she said, and Sousuke scoffed a little.

"I've been busy."

"At the hospital?"

He did not confirm it, but he did not deny it either. Sousuke thought about Megumi-san and how different her approach to life was, and how strangely at peace he had felt after she had left him with that awful, sweet smell of tobacco that had turned his worries to smoke. Gou was restless, wringing her hands and giving him sideway glances, so unlike her usual self. The thought made his stomach sink, once more.

"That afternoon, at Samezuka..."

"Which afternoon?" he muttered quietly. "There have been so many ..." He heard her sigh softly and he closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose.

_This had been such a terrible idea..._

"But you know which one I'm talking about, right?" He did not reply, and she went on. "I'm sorry, for hitting you. And I'm sorry for all the things I said, and all the times I pushed you, I—I'm _truly sorry,_ Sousuke-kun."

The waves lapped at the shore and they were quiet for a moment, counting how many times the water broke against the distant rocks.

"I don't know what you _think_ you know," he began carefully, still not looking at her, "but I don't want or need your apologies," he paused, "or your help."

"But I'm— _we're_ your _friends_. You don't tell me anything and you expect me to just be _okay_ with that, like it doesn't matter at all."

"There are some things," he said, getting up and settling the bags on the bench where he had been sitting, "—that are bigger than friends. I don't expect any of you to understand, but at least, I would have thought you would respect my decisions."

"Your decision to shut me out?" she said, and her voice could have been enough to shore him again.

_But it wasn't._

"My decision to do things on my own."

There was that terrible silence between them again as Gou looked up at him, eyes watery. But he would not let her sway him, would not let the sight of her make him forget the slap that she had given him only weeks ago. A renewed sense of purposed washed over him, cold and clear.

"You keep trying to make this about _you_ , about that night, about Tachibana...," he shouldered his bag once more, looking down at her with a cold, dismissive glance. "But whatever it is you want to give me Gou, I don't want it. I thought I had made that clear before."

He left without looking at her and without saying good-bye.

Behind him the ocean roared, and stilled, and called out for something he thought he could never find.

-x-

He found Rin in the bedroom, lying down on the top bunk with his Comparative Literature book open as he gazed lazily at the pages. Sousuke dropped his bag near the door and Rin looked up, unable to mask his gaze in time for Sousuke to miss it. Sousuke, still shaken but emptier and colder than he had felt before, looked Rin straight in the eye and spoke clearly, in a voice that would brook no refusal.

"I'm going to nationals."

Rin, lowering his book, frowned. There was a moment where Sousuke's heart beat loudly in his ears, but then Rin held his gaze for a moment, lips tight.

"You'll need to qualify first," he said.

"No-one's time is better than mine."

"Does that mean you're coming back to practice?"

"It means," Sousuke said, shrugging out of his hooded sweatshirt, "that I'm not going to let anyone get in my way."

"Sousuke..."

"I do mean _anyone_ , Rin."

-x-

He had been working tirelessly for months, a feat that did not go unnoticed by his recovery team or by his Samezuka teammates. Sousuke studied patiently, worked diligently and trained religiously every day. He rested when he needed to rest, pushed when he had to push, and drew back before anything else tore. His regime had changed from higher weight to higher repetitions and he had quickly, more quickly than they had expected, recovered his mobility at an almost alarming rate. His doctors had been pleased, and he could've preened at the praise and good-natured words that they always sent him home with.

Sousuke had been most meticulous about the building, tearing and re-building of his muscles. With a carefully controlled stream of anabolics and strict training, controlled diet and regular exercise, he was feeling more and more like himself every day. He had come back to practise, had absolutely _annihilated_ everyone else in tryouts. His place was undisputed: Yamazaki Sousuke _was_ Samezuka Academy's star butterfly swimmer.

"His form is absolutely breath-taking."

"And his speed!"

"He's even better than what the coaches had said, I'm actually impressed. And him ... Matsuoka-kun, did you say?"

"Mh-hm. He's the one next to Nanase-kun, from Iwatobi."

The gentlemen looked impressed, watching with stoic faces and eager, hungry eyes at the swimming promises currently competing at regionals. There was a lot of talent brewing there and from the stands, several recruiters, coaches and otherwise sports enthusiasts watched excitedly for the next new champions. Amongst them, a tall young doctor with dark azure hair and thin, rimless glasses, accompanied by a beautiful woman with long, dark green hair that she had styled into a fishtail braid.

"Is _that_...? a man drew closer, pulling his spectacles on.

"Yamazaki-kun," the young doctor supplied, to the stunned group of men. "Yamazaki Sousuke. You're familiar with the name, I presume?"

 _"Sensei,"_ Megumi jumped in, touching his arm lightly. The doctor flinched, noticeably alarmed.

"Oh, that's right, I'm sorry," he extended his hand. "Kido Jyou, I'm Yamazaki-kun's physician."

"Dr. Kido," one of the men, the one closest to him, greeted him back. "I've heard about your work."

"And so have I, Yoshimasa-san," Jyou said. "Your organization has a very high profile."

The men regarded him quietly, respectfully. One of them chanced a smile at him, and then back to the edge of the pool. "Yamazaki-kun, eh?"

"I think, gentlemen, that we should have a talk," Jyou said, and Megumi smiled her quiet smile.

"Yes ..." the older man agreed, "Yes, I think we should."

-x-

The smell of chlorine, so sharp for most people, was like a breath of fresh air for him. It was here that he was most comfortable, most at home, most himself. With every stretch of water before and after him, Sousuke was closer to his dream and farther, so much farther, of that terrifying nightmare. In here, there was no past, no pain, just effort and future and the silence that made him wish he could swim faster, harder, deeper than before.

He appreciated the unspoken understanding that passed between the rest of the swimmers, not to mention anything that had happened before. He was grateful to Rin, who had decided to treat him like before, push him as hard as he did any of the other swimmers. And Gou ... Gou supported him quietly, always with a smile, a nod, a hug that she gave Rin but her ruby eyes never left him. He tried hard to dislike Tachibana too, but he had also given up on that particular endeavour. That Tachibana had somehow gotten tangled up in his mess was not his fault, and neither was it Gou's. So he accepted it with something like grace, he hoped, and pretended _that_ hadn't happened either.

It was easy, most days. Without that looming over his head Sousuke could concentrate on himself, on his shoulder, on getting better. It wasn't about a childish promise to Rin, or a silly rivalry with Nanase — this was Sousuke's _life_ , his _future_ , and no-one was going to take that away from him. But some days were hard, too. Training was exhausting, practise was exhausting, his regime was brutal. And then Gou came along and she would do something stupid, like touching his shoulder, or giving him a little push, or turn back to look over her shoulder as she and Tachibana walked away, hand in hand, closer than he had ever seen them before.

And Sousuke, like a delicately built house of cards, would feel himself crumble with the tiniest breeze.

She found him again, one of those days.

He had been running, and it was late. Gou was walking home and they only just managed to see each other, a flicker of red and teal and suddenly, before he knew it, they were standing before each other. Gou smiled tremulously, tight-lipped.

"Sousuke-san," she addressed him, and her formality stunned him into silence. He supposed he had earned that, that it somehow was his fault, too. He opened his mouth but hadn't known what to say until the words had tumbled out of him, like a small avalanche.

"I saw you, the other day. At the hospital."

Gou had the decency to look ashamed, blushing prettily as she averted her eyes.

"I was just dropping by, Hana-chan's sister..."

"You don't have to lie, Gou," he spoke quietly. "I'm ... thank you."

Her face softened, her smile evening out. "Your shoulder looks very good, Sousuke-san. I'm very happy for you."

He took one step closer, and he could smell the jazmin in her perfume, the sandalwood, and orange blossom. Before he could stop himself his hand had reached out and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, lingering on her cheek as his heart pumped louder with the electricity of his skin touching her skin.

_Even if it was just for a moment..._

"You never used to be so formal," he said. "Is that how it's going to be?"

Gou turned her face, took his large hand in her two smaller ones, kissed his knuckles.

"I don't know," she said. "I wish I could."

He was closer to her now and this time, he could count her freckles, see the shining tears pooling in her eyes and also, he could smell something else, the musky and linen-fresh scent of Tachibana, and he drew back suddenly, startling her.

"You need to go," he croaked, but it was him who ended up stalking away.

The lights were gone, and all around him was dark.

-x-

Weeks later, he wondered what would have happened if he had stayed. If he hadn't overtrained, hadn't overreacted, hadn't overdone things once and again, and again. He thought of Rin saying, 'I thought she fancied you, and Tachibana's knowing, regretting, almost apologetic smile. But mostly, he thought about Gou. He thought of her finding him after practice, that first time. Of her soft fingers setting his skin aflame, and that first, damning kiss. And when he did that, he was overwhelmed, overrun with a helpless feeling of wanting not to keep hurting over this, of wanting rest, of finding a safe shore and leave the immense darkness behind.

He had found it briefly with Rin, with Samezuka, with Haruka, and the others, with Megumi and Dr. Kido. There was a brief respite where he was allowed to train, to race at nationals and prove himself, his teammates, the doctors and nurses and everyone, that Yamazaki Sousuke was _far_ from being done with swimming.

They didn't win, of course, but that didn't matter.

The Iwatobi team had beaten them fairly and even then, they hadn't been the first place. But there was a sense of accomplishment, a jolt of energy that coursed through Sousuke's veins and he had been close to tears, fighting them back and also feeling so tired of fighting them, and, with everyone hugging him, he felt lighter than he had in months, weightless as if he had been floating all this time, instead of fighting to remain afloat. He looked for her then, and his eyes found her bright red hair, smiling through tears as she watched her friends and brother achieve something they had been dreaming of for a long time.

When she found him, she mouthed something and he nodded, understanding.

Dr. Kido, very serious despite the fact that he was off-duty, with colleagues and friends, shook his hand warmly and then smiled, softly.

"You did very well, Sousuke-kun," he said. "Please come by the office on Monday—we're going to have to talk."

-x-

He took a late train to her house that Sunday, stood outside and wondered how come he didn't care much about what the doctor had to say. He asked to see him in the office, and again, Sousuke was met with the kind of serendipitous knowledge that he had when they had first told him his shoulder was torn. But this time he was prepared, he had been preparing himself for this physically and mentally, he knew that now.

And despite knowing, despite already having seen it so many times before, the sight of Gou reaching up to kiss Makoto, the way his hand wrapped lovingly behind the nape of her neck, and the way she whispered his name ... Sousuke could feel his heart breaking, and he wanted to laugh, he wanted to shake them because, how could they stand there, kissing, touching, never knowing that he was hurting just around the corner? How could they not hear it, if it was shattering right into his ears, deafeaning the whole world?

He sank to the floor, knees gone slack, fire gone out. Makoto was gone in minutes, or seconds, or hours, and when Gou saw him, she only jumped a little. Sousuke raised his eyes, dull and clouded over and Gou swallowed, attempting a smile.

"You came," she said. "I'm glad."

"You sound surprised."

"No, I—well, a little. It's late."

"You should've told me you were seeing Tachibana, too."

And in that moment he saw her, and he saw she knew he did, too.

"You don't understand," Gou whined, but he was done with her this time.

"You're right," he barked. "I don't. I _don't_ understand why you would _claw_ your way into me and then make me _crawl_ my way back to you, only to find you've been fucking along _all this time_."

"No, Sousuke-kun," she breathed, and the tears were spilling generously now. He stood fluidly, walking past her and wanting nothing more than to hurl himself into the ocean, swim, or dive, or drown.

"I'm tired of fighting the current," he said quietly, to her or perhaps to himself. "And I'm tired of fighting you. I can never win, Gou."

"Will you _listen_ to me?" Gou pleaded, holding on to a limp hand, helpless to stop him as he slipped effortlessly away.

But her words and her sobs left him lifeless, hoping, breathing like a drowning man.

-x-

"Sousuke-kun," Megumi greeted him, eyes wide. "You're up early."

He had walked back home, had been running all night, running until he couldn't run anymore and when he had collapsed, more dead than alive, Sousuke had known that for him there would be no more peace. There would be no more war either; he had known that the fight had died on him already, and he felt more at ease, now that he knew there was nothing he could do to change the way things had come to pass.

"Sousuke-kun," Dr. Kido said, "I'm glad you could make it."

They were alone and he beckoned him closer, to sit. Sousuke smiled grimly as he thought of all the doctors and specialists that had become a second set of parents, of guardians, of caretakers. Dr. Kido was taking a look at his papers, gathering documents and he almost laughed because he hadn't thought it would go like this, with him having to sign a stack of papers and accept apologies for a recovery that never would happen. This was never how he expected to be asked to give up on his dreams.

"We have been working together for months now, and we've faced many obstacles together, but despite all our efforts, the truth is that there is nothing any of us here could've accomplished without you, Sousuke-kun, and for that, we are thankful."

_And so it ends..._

"These are the results of all our work. I have analysed it from every possible angle, dissected every piece of data and I can say, humbly, that I was unable to find any discrepancies."

Sousuke looked up.

"You've recovered even better than I ever thought, you ... there's no trace of your injury, no sequels, no setbacks. You've got yourself back in better shape than ever."

Sousuke could hear him, he could, but it was distant, soft behind the roar of the ocean in his ears, of crowds, and bangs and rushing water.

"I can swim?" he asked, his tongue feeling thick and clumsy.

He nodded. "You can swim."

"... competitively?"

He paused, and his smile softened. "If that's what you want to do—,"

 _"It is,"_ Sousuke breathed out, "It's all I want to do."

"Then yes," Dr. Kido told him gently. "Your condition is ideal." He reached out into his desk, gave Sousuke a stack of letters. "These are all recruiters that have been meeting with me regularly, monitoring your progress. They're ready to meet with you whenever you are; if swimming competitively is a path you are considering, then there's nothing here that can stop you."

Teal met dark blue and Sousuke could feel himself shaking, his eyes stinging and his chest tightening over a broken heart who was slowly but steadily coming back to life. Behind him, the pretty nurse crouched and placed her arms around him, shaking him playfully.

"I'm going to miss you, Sou-chan," she teased. "Will you remember us when you're a famous Olympic swimmer?"

Inside him, a fire lit that which had been previously put out and Sousuke laughed, breathless and with shining eyes.

"How could I not?"

-x-

There was a sense of euphoria that had overwhelmed all his other senses. He was vaguely aware of his parents, of the rest of the medical team, of the champagne popping and hugs, and kisses, and well-wishes. Everything was too bright, dazzling, like he had gotten out of the pool too soon, taken a breath too soon, dove underwater far, far too soon. He knew he wanted to let Rin know, call him and tell him _'wait for me, Rin, I'm coming',_ tell him he'd race him to the top. He took out his phone as he slipped away from the polite celebration, fingers digging through text messages to find the conversation thread with his best friend. A dial, and then he looked up to find Makoto staring at him, jaw squared despite his sad, apologetic eyes.

"Can I have a minute?" he asked, and Sousuke hung up after the second ring.

"Sure," he said, then looked around. "Are you okay?"

It seemed stupid to Sousuke, asking if Makoto was okay. Of course he was, his life was just a dream, wasn't it? And despite how much brighter his was _now_ , he did not forget the sting of the previous night, nor the ache of all nights before that.

"What? Oh, yeah," Makoto answered, blushing. "I offered to pick up my brother's medication. He's had a bit of a flu, and it was quicker coming here than waiting for the pharmacy, and ..." he scratched his head. "I was kind of hoping I'd run into you, too."

"Me?" Sousuke asked, "But...?"

"Gou's a mess, Sousuke," Makoto told him, brow furrowed. "And I know it's because of you."

"You're wrong," Sousuke said simply. "I couldn't do anything to affect Gou. That's all you."

Makoto seemed to be fighting some struggle himself, and finally sighed, looking at Sousuke with that benevolent smile that always made him feel wretched and small.

"We both know that's not true," he said gently. "No matter how hard you both like to pretend it is."

They had reached the backyard, the stone and wood benches where Megumi-san had found him so many months ago. But this time Makoto sat down and Sousuke was too fired up, too wired to sit still and so he watched him, shoulders drawn proudly, look up to him and not waver in his words.

"Why are you telling me this?" Sousuke asked. "I can't comfort her."

"What she needs is more than what I can offer. Even if I _did_ want to give her more than just comfort."

"What are you saying?" Sousuke asked, but he knew, had always known. "What do you want?"

Makoto frowned, eyes temporarily clouding over. "I want her to be happy. But I can't very well do that, if she's heartbroken over you, can I?"

And Sousuke did laugh then. "What do _you_ know about heartbreak?"

It took him a long time to answer and when he did, Sousuke was sorry he ever asked. "I know it's never fair," he replied, and Sousuke looked at him behind thick lashes, wondered how a man _his_ size could be so gentle, how Sousuke himself could feel it too. "And I know I'm done with it. Have a good night, Sousuke-kun."

Tachibana rose and Sousuke watched him walk away, never hesitating to put one step in front of the other. His hand gripped the medication bag and the other one hung loosely, palms open, like he had nothing at all to fear.

"Are you going back to her?" Sousuke called out, but Makoto kept walking, not even stopping to say _yes_ or _no_ , because he would not answer questions Sousuke already knew.

-x-

He found her at the beach, sitting in the cold sand. She looked small, smaller than he remembered, and she was wearing one of Makoto's sweatshirts, zipped up to her chest. The hoodie was drawn up and Sousuke hesitated to come closer, his body alerting him that she was someone else's, that she wore his clothes to keep everyone and most of all _him_ , away. It would've worked, too, if Makoto hadn't been so cold, so distant when he had come to see him.

"Makoto?" Gou called out, and it stabbed him in the middle of the chest, that she did not call out for him. But he kept going, and when he stood before her, Sousuke took a deep breath, taking in the salty, heavy air of the seaside.

"No," he said quietly. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," she sighed. "He's not coming back."

"You're not in love with him," Sousuke murmured quietly, looking at her under a pale moon that gave just enough light to see her expression clearly.

"He's not in love with me either," she said, not as a rebuke but matter-of-factly, almost. "But I needed him, and he loves me so much..."

His hands dug into the sand, drew strength in its cold, coarse grip. "Why'd you do it, then?"

"I can't explain it," Gou said in a small voice that almost broke his heart, "You were out of my reach, always. I couldn't get close without hurting you. And you ... you didn't want me around."

She hugged herself, drew herself into a tight little ball and Sousuke wanted to laugh again, because it all seemed so surreal, too heavy, and cold, and unforgiving. He shifted in his seat, standing up and placing his hands inside his pockets.

"I said I don't _need_ anyone, Kou, but that doesn't mean I never wanted you. I did. I _still_ do."

Behind him, Gou stood up, and timidly she reached out for him. First one hand, touching his arm; then the rest of her, pressing herself against his back and bunching up the material of his sweatshirt in tiny fists, hiding her face against him, and the moon, and the ocean.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," she said.

"I'm going to swim again, with Rin," he continued as if he hadn't heard her, gaze locked on the waves. "I've been healing since you found me that night, but I didn't know that, because it hurt so much. And I didn't know it was you, because that hurt, too."

His hands reached out behind him and he turned slowly, lifting her chin with one hand, wiping her tears with the other one. Gou hiccupped, reaching out with trembling fingers, touching above the fabric of his clothes. She closed her fist, pulling him by the collar and he was ready for it this time, had been ready for who knew how many nights, and days, and miles and laps. He kissed her and it was not slow, or gentle, or soft—Sousuke kissed her like it was the last time he would, like she was the anchor that kept him from drifting away.

_And she was, she was._

Her hands, cold and moist, slipped under his shirt and Sousuke shivered when she touched his skin, bit her lip down, hard. Her hand found his shoulder and her touch became gentler, and she placed her open palm on the thin scar.

"Does it hurt?" she asked, eyes closed.

Sousuke reached down, kissed her forehead, the tears in her eyes, the line of her jaw. He picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist and he buried his face in her neck, hidden by her hair. She was sweet, and he breathed her in as deeply as if he hadn't in years, and his lungs had no time to adjust, his ribcage expanding perilously.

"No," he said between kisses, "Not when you touch me like that."

Rippling over canyons, the storm that had for so long raged inside him stopped, and the ocean was calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During the past few months this story has garnered more attention than I ever hoped it would, both here and on Fanfiction.net and for that, I am thankful. Drowning was meant to show a little of Gou and Sousuke but it became much more than that, a struggle about Sousuke himself, and Gou was just a part of it. I don't know how or why this happened but I hope that, with this chapter, you and I will both be satisfied, dear readers.
> 
> Thank you for reading.


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